Big Daddy Drew on Harrison Ford: Indy vs Han

Matt:

Which Harrison Ford character do you think slept with more women, Han Solo or Indiana Jones? This is tough because you know Han Solo wasn’t above banging a few stray aliens (I don’t think any of us are) but Chewbacca as a wingman could not have been helpful. Indiana Jones was a professor (instant horny co-ed bang) and he also fell out of an airplane mid-flight and only used a survival raft to assure not only his, but two other people’s safety, which should have been an instant bumping of uglies.
I think it’s Indiana Jones, if only because Solo had to spend lots of time up in the Falcon alone with Chewbacca, and therefore didn’t always have ready access to hot space poon. Although, the more I think about it, the Falcon could travel very fast, and it’s likely that a large portion of Solo’s debt to Jabba the Hutt included fees paid for alien hooker services. Han and Chewie could have rented a couple of space escorts for a standard freight mission, and spent the bulk of their travel time in the back of the Falcon, hollowing out some blue chicks. If you were single had the means to have sex with an attractive female, would you? I would. I’d be like James Caan in Alien Nation. I’d see what that big alien head can do.

There’s also the issue of longevity. One thing that’s never addressed in the Star Wars movies (rightfully so) is this basic question: Are all the human characters in the movies actually human? Is Han Solo a human being, with a normal human lifespan? Or is he a member of an alien race that merely LOOKS human, but in fact has a wildly different physiology? For all I know, Han could live an extra 200 years, and therefore easily surpass Indiana’s pussy tally. I haven’t even gotten into the issue of the Force, which could possibly extend your life beyond its normal span (though Solo didn’t have the Force).

I remember watching Return of the Jedi as a kid and wondering if Yoda was a human being who, through the power of the Force, was able to live 900 years, and thus shriveled down over time into a little green creature. Wikipedia says, “Yoda’s race and home world have never been stated in any media, canonical or otherwise, and he is merely stated to be of a ‘species unknown’ by the Star Wars Databank.” So he could be a mutated human being. Maybe. Probably not. I wonder if Yoda had sex. That would be great if he rented a six-foot tall hooker and then bounced all over her for five minutes. I bet there’s fan fiction of that somewhere. “On your face, I have skeeted.”

I disagree that having Chewbacca as a wingman would be some sort of female deterrent. Quite the contrary. You ever see girls look at a dude walking around with a dog? They ovulate on the spot. Chewie’s like a giant dog. No way you aren’t pulling tail if you’re strolling into the bar with your best Wookie buddy at your side. I’d have given anything to own a Wookie when I was single. We would have gotten absolutely DESTROYED. That’s the Star Wars sequel they should have made: a hard R bloodfest featuring Han and Chewie hanging out at space bars and raising fucking hell. Again, I’m sure there’s a Star Wars book that depicts this, and I’m sure it’s fucking terrible.

So, on second thought, I think I’ll side with Han Solo on this one. Although Lando clearly got more pussy than both men combined. Lando was a player.

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